Monday, December 14, 2009

I haven't blogged since my China trip, which was in October. Feeling exhausted. Suddenly felt the need to blog again. To write, instead of edit.

I think I'm burning out. Woke up this morning feeling as if an 18 wheeler just ran me down.

Fugging fishnuggets.

rage
is suffering from peter pan syndrome
9:02 AM

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Haven't blogged in awhile. Will find time to do so when I'm back. Just some rambling thoughts that I need to get out.

Off to China tmr night with Mom, dealing with some property stuff and doing some sightseeing. Hopefully my camera skills will be put to good use...although I have damn alot to learn about apeture and focal lens and what nots. Getting there!

It seems weird, because although I find a purpose and starting to enjoy my editorial work, I am getting bogged down by projects. It's no one's fault, seeing that we are down by 1 for our total headcount and HS is doubling up as an AE/editor. That means Jeremy and I get the brunt of the projects. I'm afraid that HS will resign should she crumble under all the stress. That means Jeremy might leave too...where does that leave me?

I'm scared.

Just when things began to look up for me...I know I will be lost without the people I've grown close to over the year. The baby of the department. Xiaomeimei lol. Can't believe boss called me that (I was more shocked than anything).

It's very strange too, because nowadays, I can't seem to do without someone's voice. I must hear that voice daily (save for weekends). But no, I'm sure this is not infatuation or love or any of those crap, it's just a reassuring voice that I know will always listen to me, joke with me, make fun of my chinese and make me laugh every day I'm at work. What a strange relationship we share. To a certain extent I believe it's mutual. I know she enjoys talking to me, laughing with me, cracking jokes...but she's too busy to chat up sometimes.

Working in the same office, I bump into people I don't want to see, but bopian. Can only stare at the floor and look away. One I can't face. The other, I can never forgive.

Breathe. Walk away. Ignorance is bliss.

Bye. Maybe I'll be able to find a rich old/young man in China to marry, and never come back. LOL. Ok ok, joke. Impossible. Because there always is another...more suitable. 500 days of summer has some awesome quotes - but I can't remember now.

Braindead. Night night world.

rage
is suffering from peter pan syndrome
12:17 AM

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Sometimes, my mind and my heart gets muddled.

Then I become so confused, I just go with what makes me feel good.

But that doesn't mean - it's always right.

rage
is suffering from peter pan syndrome
10:49 AM

Friday, September 18, 2009

There is no balance it seems.

I was struggling with work 1-2months back as I kept making mistakes. Some of which didn't belong to me, but it was passed down and became mine anyway. I learnt from them and eventually moved on. In comparison, I feel happier when I'm at work now. I get to go abit mad. Actually I've been relatively mad the past few days. I found out the real effect of medicines and coffee combined. I liked being happy and with my head in the clouds (but still managing to get my work done of course).

Now, I'm having problems at home. The woman who gave birth to me is growing crazier by the day. A combination of menopause and her own temper. She's picking on me for every goddamn thing and wants to micromanage my life now. Problem with my weight, problem with prince (and his hair dropping which is much lesser now thanks to the new shampoo), problem with me on the internet, problem with wow, problem with my doing of Masters. She doesn't want to fund me yet she's pushing me to do Masters. She can't shut the fuck up. The best I can do is avoid her. But we live in the same house!

Talking about house, I asked my Aunt if I could stay at her place. Rent it. Just me and Prince. She told my other aunt (which is fine) but it got passed down to my Godma. I was just annoyed when I found out. Bah. Anyway, Godma called me and spoke to me. You know, when it's not your own kid, you tend to listen with a more open mind. When it's your kid, it's either your way, or no way. At least that's how it felt to me.

I think the time is just about right for the tattoo that has been at the back of my mind for ages. To get a 忍 on my left wrist. To serve as a reminder to just hang on and take the pain.

Today was a strange day. Just as the day was about to end, I called my typesetter, Poh Tin, to sort out some finances regarding my projects. Then she suddenly asked, "Are you feeling better?" I don't know if it was reference to my MC on Wednesday, or to what. I guess after you speak to someone on the phone long enough, you can tell their moods pretty easily. Anyway, we had about a pretty good talk. I spoke about my mother, about family stuff, stuff that I was struggling with yet I could tell a stranger. I mean, she's just my typesetter, and in charge of my "account" at work, but I've always had this odd connection with her. Sometimes you can't explain that feeling? Rapport.

She's a very friendly Aunty type of person and very easy to talk to. I found out that she has two kids, and she told me that growing up now as compared to last time is different. Apparently during her time/i.e. my parents time, they could not even retort/argue with their parents. Their parents word was law. Listen or be whacked. It's different now. Now we retort and try to discuss to see if the matter can be resolved. I told her I didn't want to have kids, but she kept telling me I shouldn't say that. Instead of burning bridges, I should think whether I am ready to cross it - or not. I just don't want to be a replica of my mother. It scares me.

Still, talking to an older person was good, her insight and seeing the way she views things. On and off we'll speak in a mix of English and Chinese. The improvement in my chinese is thanks to her actually, after conversing for so long regarding my many different books that I keep outsourcing to them. Am thinking of popping by their office to visit them one of these days, and find out the other people I talk to over the phone.

It's interesting how I can make friends with anyone as long as I can build rapport with them. I guess I have that gift. The only thing is that, if I like someone, I can never act the same way with them I act when I'm with my colleagues and friends. It's a bit sad because people tell me that's the best part of me, yet it gets tucked away at the wrong time. It's strange huh?

I was dressed rather shabbily today thinking I wouldn't run into S since we haven't met over the past week. GUESS WHAT. We met, in the corridor of the other building. She called out to me and said "hi" with a really wide smile. It was nice seeing such a nice smile in the morning, but I was pretty engrossed in the manuscript I was holding. We did speak abit, but sometimes I wonder what we have in common. Finding topics is just difficult. I need for it to naturally flow, but that only comes easily with others. Not with S though, where I am quite tongue tied. :( Why?
Anyway, long weekend this week. Time to rest, play some WOW and do some leftover work. Yeah, I brought home some. Meeting EM on Sunday and Peishan Monday...currently I'm so broke I only have $2 left in my wallet >_> That will all change...tomorrow! Will probably buy stuff from Fossil this coming week. Whee, got EM and a colleague to share with me, so shipping will be much much cheaper when divded by 3 people, 6 items in total, half of which will probably mine. Can't wait to order.

So...where is my fairy tale ending?

Fighting all the demons will take time.

rage
is suffering from peter pan syndrome
9:22 PM

Thursday, September 17, 2009

CAN'T SHE JUST FUCKING LEAVE ME ALONE?

FUCK.

I HATE THE WOMAN WHO GAVE BIRTH TO ME.
WHY BOTHER TO BRING ME INTO THIS WORLD?
WHY BRING PAIN TO BOTH YOU AND ME?
I HATE MY MOTHER TO THE VERY CORE.

JUST DIE, AND LEAVE ME IN PEACE.

Or I could just die, and let everyone blame you.

rage
is suffering from peter pan syndrome
11:21 PM

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

I want to move out. At this point, I hate my mother so much. She was a raving lunatic this morning. Non-stop. With Prince around she blackmails me. I don't have a choice for his sake but to succumb.

You know how they say that when you are angry, sometimes you regret things you say? I'm going to say it anyway because I don't think I will regret it. For a person like her, you yell at her, she challenges you even more. Always wants to be right and win the argument.

I hope she'll be so blinded by her own anger, she crashes, burns and dies today. Chances of that happening is very low though, sadly.

rage
is suffering from peter pan syndrome
10:43 AM

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Before I start, I need to say this considering how efficient people can be with the click of a mouse.

Remember this. MY BLOG. MY SPACE. You are here because you choose to be here. I didn't ask you to read this. Don't fucking judge me when you do not know me.

Yes yes, emo me ladidah. I haven't blogged in awhile. Namely because I don't feel like, and that I've been caught up and absorbed in the world of WOW. Virtual reality. It seemed alot less painful than reality, and I was happy hiding away with my gnome, and now, a DK.

So - what has happened?

I don't speak to C anymore and removed all traces. I didn't like C's attitude very much, guess "wo kan chuo ren". Seemed abit too cocky when C found out. I always suspected, but I never thought I'll be so zun. Worst part is C said this "How can you like someone when you barely know them?" Hello, don't all relationships, friendships even, start without knowing the person? I know I can be really emo sometimes. But C's tweets was another pissing off factor. It's my turn to say - How can you fucking judge someone without even knowing them well enough? Guess that was the last straw. I had to cut off all communication and avoid as much as possible.

From this, I learnt that private blogs are not private blogs because they can be seen somehow sometime somewhere.

Strangly enough, C was the one who helped me during the really tough time in the office. That time when blame is given to the editor, although the problem originated right from the top. The person who it all started with acted innocent. How convenient. How stupid I was to be the scapegoat, but I didn't have a choice. At least I've learnt from it, and will cover my own backside from now onwards. I took a really hard fall as I kept fucking up the books I was doing.

Next, I also gradually didn't speak to someone else. Was a friend, now no more. I just felt that she wanted the best of both worlds (which I would never give). She was too whiny, and when I had problems, she didn't know how to listen to me. All she could tell me was her own set of problems. That's not what a friend does. A friend LISTENS. And I simply cannot stand whiny people. I also cannot stand people whom I've told them no 3x, they STILL DO NOT GET IT. My patience was already wearing thin. Then, I thought she was abit tight on cash, having to support herself due to working and studying. I know it's not easy. Bought her breakfast when I had my own breakfast. But no, she can buy herself $900 worth of COACH stuff. That, was the last straw.

There is one last point that I will not mention, because I, am guilty of it too. So I cannot say that it is someone's fault without thinking I am an angel, because I am not. I am a human who makes mistakes too.

Ugh, enough about the crap. It is all in my past and will be forgotten soon enough.

Things have been picking up recently. Managed to get my books out on time and decently well done, so much so that I've gotten some compliments from my lecturers. It's a good thing really...and I hope it'll continue for awhile.

The next other happy thing is S. You can say it's pretty fast, having just recently met. But C said something which is quite true (yes yes, despite everything). When you like someone, just be happy liking that someone. I grudgingly admit there's truth in that. I still am searching for my own little bit of happiness in this world. I think I've found a ray of light, but I need to be sure. 50% chance T says. I get along fantastically well and I really enjoy talking to S. But, I don't know the most important thing - which bites.

Alot of random nonsense that I am spouting no?

I think my brother's girlfriend is nice. Better still, she likes Prince. Hehe. Guess which point kinda made me really happy with her? Then again, my mother is the mean one, not me. So I plan to be the nice sister. She's alright lah, smart, independent (i hope) - and she makes my brother study harder! lol.

Bought some stuff from amazon a few days ago, should arrive in under a month, fingers crossed. Went on a shopping spree of DVDs and a book that I felt like reading. Now, I'm staring at some fossil wallets and a fossil belt. I need a new dress belt....and a new wallet, and it's so much cheaper in the US. Even if I buy and ship it here, I've worked out everything to be much cheaper than buying it in SGP! Tempting... :( But I'll be broke for this month.

Things to say about S. Last week, the clothes? Hot. Was complimented (: S wore again on Friday. Spoke to S and friend on Friday for awhile. Sat beside S on the bus on Tuesday, chatted happily and genuinely enjoying each other's company. Briefly crossed paths today and exchanged a few words too. Now. how do I test the waters? Meh. Ok, another problem for another day.

The reason why I'm blogging is because the WOW server is down atm. It should be up soon and I'm really tempted to open the window, but I know I shouldn't. Okay I go sleep now. Will be less grumpy tmr.

I hope I get to see S tmr.


Broken - Lifehouse

rage
is suffering from peter pan syndrome
10:42 PM